Grief · Losing a loved one · Meaningful · Missing someone · Uncategorized

Young dumb and losing mum

14 years old and there I was, doing ordinary 14 year old things. Acting older than I am, thinking I’m older than I am when suddenly the most life shattering thing happened before my eyes and there was not one single thing I could do to stop it.

I went from being a normal 14 year old girl, to being the girl who had to sit and watch her mum die over the course of 3 months, to watch her hang on to every last memory knowing these would be her last.

Knowing that she should be scared and that she probably is beyond words but is too brave to show it. Thinking about things you can do to try and make this a little easier  but knowing this whole things out of your control.

The memories are too painful to remember that my brain won’t physically let me recover a lot of it but the day she left this earth, a part of me died too. The 14 year old normal girl left that day too.

The pain was unbearable and unimaginable. For weeks I dreamt she was still here and it was all one big misunderstanding but then reality hit me when I’d open my eyes each day and the shock would hurt me just as much as it did the day it happened. So I stopped going to sleep for as long as I could, days at a time.

The thing is as a 14 year old girl is  nobody understands, class mates, friends, associates knew it was bad but had no idea on the impact that losing my mum would have on my mental and physical health. Because at 14 it’s just too hard to comprehend.

I had to start understanding bills and debts and try to support the rest of the family whilst slowly drowning. Because you’re all going through it together, you can’t push your problems onto them because they’re the one dealing with it too.

I was just starting out in my GCSE’s and ending up taking nearly a year out of school just to fix my mind and heal my heart, not that it can be fixed or healed, ever.

I lost my mum, I lost my best friend, I lost the one person who was there for me no matter what silly things I did or stupid decisions I made.

I lost me, because to this day I can’t look at a picture of her without screaming in my head “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO MY BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, SELFLESS mum?”

And then when I feel like I have to think of her and think how she felt, how strong she was KNOWING her impending future, knowing she won’t live the day to see all 4 of her children grow up and be who they are meant to be. Knowing that we loved her as much as she loved us. Knowing that without her our lives felt pointless. 

If she could live feeling like that, then I can live missing her. Every last thing about her and her beautiful self. Because she didn’t get the chance to live so I need to make my chance count, not just for me but for her too.

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