Grief · Losing a loved one · Meaningful · Missing someone · Parenthood · Uncategorized

Being a first time mum without a mum

Being a first time mum is super exciting, scary, nerve wracking and literally every other emotion you can think of rolled up into one tiny little ball.
But for me and many others it can also be one big emotional ball of guilt because you know the perfect life you’re creating/created is missing something really big.
Being a first time mum without no longer having a mum is really hard, the one person you expected you to be with you through every milestone in your life isn’t here to to share it with.
You’re not only missing out on a mum and a grandparent for your child, you’re missing out on someone who to go to with questions, you’re missing out on someone to share your love with this beautiful little thing you’ve created, you’re missing out on someone to go to for a shoulder to cry on when times get a bit hard. You’re missing out on someone to love you still when sometimes you don’t even love yourself.
It’s hard because you know they’ll never get to meet, they’ll never get so cross paths and they will never share the bond you so wish they should’ve.
It’s feeling upset every time someone’s says ‘oh is your mum looking after little one’, it’s getting hurt every time you see someone pregnant go shopping with their mum. It’s forever being reminded of the loneliness you feel not having her beside you like you know she would have been.
Now the sad thing is some women have to go through this hurt and pain alone, I’m lucky I have angels in the form of a beautiful, stubborn sister, a strong, resilient auntie and a loving mother-in-law who are all fabulous. (Obviously I love all my other family too)
It’s very personal and still very painful for me to even think about my mum, to think what could have been and to think what an amazing grandparent she would have been, to think about all the things she’s missed since not being here, all the things that should’ve been so different because she should have been here. My heart breaks being a mum and knowing one day my baby will feel this pain. It breaks my heart knowing others will have to feel this pain. 
Mums really are special (most of them) just enjoy sharing these moments with them while you can, because things will never be the same when they’re not here.

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